thanks SReject for hosting this challenge so capably, and for giving me a great excuse to fire up mIRC and tinker around with it again! i almost forgot how much I enjoyed this fun lil scripting language

Damn, jaytea. Amazing. I'm glad you left one category to us mere mortals :P
oh, first challenge in a long time.. I thought it wise not to push my luck!
also, wow, I don't think it ever occurred to me that
$calc(A % B) = $calc(A % -B)! I'm sure that's cost me a char in at least one challenge in the past...